the period of doing nothing

i'm technically done my degree since the late april. and now, it's been around 8 weeks doing nothing. i kind of like this kind of life where i have nothing to do. oh my. it's terrible. no income. just stay at home. but i really do like the freedom. and being-nothing state. and somehow i do wish to stay like this forever. oh my. i'm not going to survive in the society. seriously, this is a really bad thought.

people do ask me, what are you going to do since you've graduated? my dream? my passion? i'm still in the mist of finding them. wouldn't be easier if they can just come to me. i'm tired of playing hide and seek with them. at some point, i thought i found them. but later, i found that it's not that case. it was illusions. it happened few times. and i do felt really tired of doing so. you thought that you see hope, but soon you found out that it wasn't a hope. it's actually a dead end. this second flying high up, but the next second drop to earth with maximum speed. and it does not stop at once. it happens continuously. that is really terrible feeling for me. i can't take it anymore.

i think i am starting to hate them. why they hide in such secretly place? can't they just stay at the side of main road and i can pick them up along. i don't know where i'm heading to. i've lost my direction too. i don't know where i am. i don't know am i at the correct path. perhaps i'm still standing in the same place. turning round-and-round, not moving to anywhere. seriously, i am really envy those people who claimed they have found their lights. they know what they want. they are heading to their destiny. i always wonder how do they get it so fast. and it seems like an easy task for them. this made me blame myself even more. i am incapable of finding my light. so, i deserve to stay in the hell.

there are so many questions in my head, but none of the questions got answered. i am really blur. my eyesight is useless. i can't see any road in front of me. i can't turn back either. how do i find my answers in this pitch black room? did i just pushed myself into this creepy room? if i put my feet one step further, will i see my light? or will i fall into deeper hole? or, will i just died eaten by my predators?

again, i don't know. :(