really feels like want to slep myself... supposingly finishing my jornals and go to sleep early, but still, hook on to facebook...
:(
it's a chain... finish jornal late, sleep late, then, the worst part - sleep in 203 class! OMG! hate myself so much on this! i know the stuff is dry, but i will not allow myself to sleep infront of the lecturer!!! so rude... shoudln't slap myself, need to stab myself... or wack myself...
:(
what happen? just cant stick to what i plan. because i didn't write it down black and white and sign it? felt myself so stupid, even worst than a kindergarten kid.
:(
i'm not doing what i promise myself... i know i'm still trying here and there, but still, feels like failing and not to the better part... indulge myself too much...
:(
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
what i need now is SLEEP!
can't believe my so-call-holiday is ending real soon... :( can't sleep yesterday... staying awake on bed untill 6.30am this morning! WTH... T_T when i'm going into (perhaps) REM 3 or 4 sleep, haha... you know what... it's time to wake up man! haiz... have class today... @_@ eyes really suffering now... what i want here and now is SLEEP~ missing my bed... T_T
Friday, January 1, 2010
wow~! it's 2010!
believe it or not... i'm still awake at 3.30am on 1st day of 2010...
well, i guess the post-effect of bpsy finals still here - staying up late, switched my biology circadian. plus, the horrible free running sleep... it's still holiday after all...
soon, will be in the last sem of my second year life in HELP... hmm... 3rd year student is a big thing for me (in some negative way)... it means that i shall be REAl serious, maybe shall get away from time-eater-facebook, and do some serious stuff in those period... OMG! it's a terrible thing (for me)!
anyway, i still have to go through it... can't escape it anyway except that i don't want to study anymore which will never happen! erm... well... conflict is always there... just the matter of me how to deal with them... in the process of doing so...
it is the fact that people can't get away from aging... now, 2009 is gone, really gone for almost 4 hour now... so, that means new challenges are around the corner! the first challenge - 3000 words of law assignment which due on monday! OMG! really no time man! haven't started to type or really read the material! argh! this links to the next challenge - procastination 0%! OMG! this is really headict thing to me... perhaps it's all about self-discipline, which i'm really lack of it! my ID is always there controlling me... the devil side always get me to procastinete by offering my favourite element - indulge myslef! OMG! someone please help me to kill the devil in me?! i guess my procastination is related to motivation... i know i'm really poor of it... sometimes, in the beginning of something, i'm really motivated, got lots of passion and energy to accomplish the thing. but, slong the process, the motivation vapours out! then, in the end... of course, the outcome isn't what i really want in the first place... the question on how to maintain the motivation starts of since in my first year... until now still searching for the answer... really want to kick the person's *** for bringing out the question but not giving the answer! at least give some clue for me to find the answer! cruel people! saying that, somehow it reminds me of the CPCS! stupid them! i re-apply for having counselling session in last sem. you know what, i think it's more than 3 months nothing happen! yes, NOTHING! no calls from them... really piss me off!
anyway, stop pissing myself... it's a nice new year! don't want to spoil my mood, though it never really being good at all... since last sem! reviewing 2009, for the recency effect, my mood is affected by last sem's thing. which means, no good, at all. in the scale of 0 - 10, as 0 is the worst, 10 is the greates of all, i rate myself getting 3.5. yeah, 3.5! failed! i'm getting worst day by day. don't know why. still searching for the answer. or perhaps as i said, is the devil in me. it's truw, that being nice is really tiring. i spoiled my results, my reliability, and worst of all, i disappointed some bunch of poeple that trying hard to believe in me.
the damage is real hard, at least for me. sorry is nothing unless i work on my mistakes. i know the bunch of people will not see this, just want to say sorry. i will try my best to change. huh... i guess i need loads of CBT over here!
am i so negative? why i always see sorrow things in my life?! really! why? i can't really remeber any happy thing i did in 2009! OMG! pathetic...
many many things i need to do, how will i perform? i don't know... perhaps it may just staying in the "hope" stage... action stage... i don't really know... need to find my mr. motivation! where are you? i really got no idea what motivates me, and how to maintain it... sigh...
scare i forget what i promise myslef just now, let review again... first, of course, of 3000 words law assginment!
then, cut off some time in facebook... err... this moderately hard man... once in front of the computer... sigh... never ending facebook-ing...
in addition to that, no procastination. wow! this is real big headache! i... where shall i start to investigate this crime?
mr. motivation, is it in my list? well, can i fake it to myself? as i pretend something is actually my motivation as i don't really know? this is level 10 conflict!
mr.motivation, you're the king of all the conflict! (for now, i guess) so, what can i do now? erm... can i leave him alone??? perhaps i could...
CBT! faster come! beat this stupid girl! change change change! no negative mood ok?! should be having positive thinking! change change change!!!
shall really go to rest now... the most important thing to change now is switch back my biological circadian! SLEEP~!
=S
well, i guess the post-effect of bpsy finals still here - staying up late, switched my biology circadian. plus, the horrible free running sleep... it's still holiday after all...
@_@
soon, will be in the last sem of my second year life in HELP... hmm... 3rd year student is a big thing for me (in some negative way)... it means that i shall be REAl serious, maybe shall get away from time-eater-facebook, and do some serious stuff in those period... OMG! it's a terrible thing (for me)!
-_-!
anyway, i still have to go through it... can't escape it anyway except that i don't want to study anymore which will never happen! erm... well... conflict is always there... just the matter of me how to deal with them... in the process of doing so...
> <
it is the fact that people can't get away from aging... now, 2009 is gone, really gone for almost 4 hour now... so, that means new challenges are around the corner! the first challenge - 3000 words of law assignment which due on monday! OMG! really no time man! haven't started to type or really read the material! argh! this links to the next challenge - procastination 0%! OMG! this is really headict thing to me... perhaps it's all about self-discipline, which i'm really lack of it! my ID is always there controlling me... the devil side always get me to procastinete by offering my favourite element - indulge myslef! OMG! someone please help me to kill the devil in me?! i guess my procastination is related to motivation... i know i'm really poor of it... sometimes, in the beginning of something, i'm really motivated, got lots of passion and energy to accomplish the thing. but, slong the process, the motivation vapours out! then, in the end... of course, the outcome isn't what i really want in the first place... the question on how to maintain the motivation starts of since in my first year... until now still searching for the answer... really want to kick the person's *** for bringing out the question but not giving the answer! at least give some clue for me to find the answer! cruel people! saying that, somehow it reminds me of the CPCS! stupid them! i re-apply for having counselling session in last sem. you know what, i think it's more than 3 months nothing happen! yes, NOTHING! no calls from them... really piss me off!
"HELLO, I'M YOUR CLIENT TOO!!!"
anyway, stop pissing myself... it's a nice new year! don't want to spoil my mood, though it never really being good at all... since last sem! reviewing 2009, for the recency effect, my mood is affected by last sem's thing. which means, no good, at all. in the scale of 0 - 10, as 0 is the worst, 10 is the greates of all, i rate myself getting 3.5. yeah, 3.5! failed! i'm getting worst day by day. don't know why. still searching for the answer. or perhaps as i said, is the devil in me. it's truw, that being nice is really tiring. i spoiled my results, my reliability, and worst of all, i disappointed some bunch of poeple that trying hard to believe in me.
:'(
the damage is real hard, at least for me. sorry is nothing unless i work on my mistakes. i know the bunch of people will not see this, just want to say sorry. i will try my best to change. huh... i guess i need loads of CBT over here!
=X
am i so negative? why i always see sorrow things in my life?! really! why? i can't really remeber any happy thing i did in 2009! OMG! pathetic...
T_T
many many things i need to do, how will i perform? i don't know... perhaps it may just staying in the "hope" stage... action stage... i don't really know... need to find my mr. motivation! where are you? i really got no idea what motivates me, and how to maintain it... sigh...
:(
scare i forget what i promise myslef just now, let review again... first, of course, of 3000 words law assginment!
"YOU CAN DO IT BABE!"
then, cut off some time in facebook... err... this moderately hard man... once in front of the computer... sigh... never ending facebook-ing...
"TRY YOUR BEST BABE!"
in addition to that, no procastination. wow! this is real big headache! i... where shall i start to investigate this crime?
"FIRGURE IT OUT BABE!"
"NEVER TOO LATE!"
"TRY TO TAKE BABY STEPS!"
mr. motivation, is it in my list? well, can i fake it to myself? as i pretend something is actually my motivation as i don't really know? this is level 10 conflict!
=.=!
mr.motivation, you're the king of all the conflict! (for now, i guess) so, what can i do now? erm... can i leave him alone??? perhaps i could...
#_#
CBT! faster come! beat this stupid girl! change change change! no negative mood ok?! should be having positive thinking! change change change!!!
> < !
shall really go to rest now... the most important thing to change now is switch back my biological circadian! SLEEP~!
Saturday, December 19, 2009
finally some peace
phew, finals is gone! what an unexpected non-student friendly kind of final final paper. anyway, it is done. still awake now at 2.30am. my biological circadian is switched. painful final week and now painful switching back to "normal" circadian. i'm consider in holidays now. at least got few days to not think about study. still got a very headict LAW assignment to go on. this one definately need to read. sighs. worrying my results a lot. rest but no rest mentally. trying not to care but unconciously still thinking of it. life's like that? i don't want my whole life to be like THAT. recently really don't feel like want to graduate. i don't mean i want to fail and continue stay in HELP, i mean, i don't want to start working. seriously. still got 1 year and 1 sem to go. time is limited. really enjoy this moment studying. just with books. at least they are what they meant. having social phobia perhaps. or accurately, work and complexity phobia. well, can't avoid that. i mean, i can't avoid not to go to work. need to survive on my own. perhaps i should just let it stand aside first, it's not THAT time to think so much after all. shall go to lie on my bed now. even still can't sleep.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
you cheater!
just saw/experience a very dramatic event in the exam hall... having internal conflict now... :( well, i can only balme myself for not reporting that person's f***ing act. i may be part of the victim, i don't know. but i'm sure the f***ing giraffe did "harm" another neighbour of him. WTF! i think the examiner also suspect him la. but sadly, don't know why she didn't catch him. :( he's so obvoius ok?! haiz... i think i'm really a coward... :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
