depression not?

didn't realize it was three years back since my last writing. and it was one of my major heart ache over my twenty plus year of life. still young perhaps? and now I'm returning with negative emotion. sorry my dear blog, you are the only place for my the negative expression.
I just don't know why. I suspect I could have stepping into the "danger" zone. I suspect I could have depression, like real ones. during uni days we used to play the "which psychological disorder you are" game. a small tiny sadness we'll claim depressed. according to DSM, depression is "something". it is a serious matter.
May or may not happen over night. can't get out of my mind about this low tide emotion. it has been disturbing my real life performance, I guess, and for a long period of time. wasn't motivated to get up, especially working days. yeah, I know everyone has this feeling too. but, I think I have stronger rejection over the recent months, or a year, or more, I guess. I started to don't care if I am late. I started to give myself lots of lots of excuses. and just take sick leaves just because not feeling to go to work. lying on bed struggling whether I should take sick leave or not. giving out more and more excuses and lies and to convince myself that's the reality. then, start hating myself for doing so. doubt, where is the true self gone? and pick on myself. hating myself. and days just past, and the cycle continues.
lost of motivation in life. no excitement feeling towards future. starting to loose eye contact with others. afraid to make long eye contact with others. avoid eye contacts. feeling alone in a group activity. people laugh, but I am lost track. dilemma of getting up to positivity, and falling down negatively. lost interest in food. pressure from work performance, weight management, financial status, shopping impulse, pretend to be likable, "begging" for other's approval on self, place heavily on other people's opinion, sensitive to other people's opinion about self, rebellious, feeling left out.
I guess those list are not kidding negative. am I really in trouble?
I don't believe heavily on drug prescriptions (i.e. psychiatrists). I don't want to see any of them, because I know what they will do is just prescriptions. that's what a "Doctor" trained to do. plus, I don't have resources to seek such treatments. no insurance company would cover mental illness. there's saying, illness is for the people with money. no money, just prepare a coffin.
I don't know if it's real case or just some temporary emotion thing. people's emotion has ups and downs. can't expect a stable neutral line in life. but negative vibes getting stronger. what else can I do to reverse? hmm...

emotion black hole

emotion has dropped down to black hole, again. got the same hit from the same person. the last hit was about a year ago. ironically, a year later, got the hit again. well, i asked for it. and well, better to get the "truth" than living in the lies.

always wanted sincere feedback. at times feedback may be really harsh, especially honest ones. yes i knew it. and i fell. fell into the black hole. i thought it suppose not to be that bad, but the outcome is not. the first fall, i was just being myself, the unskillful me. the second fall, i was trying to make things good. apparently seems like over trying. what's wrong with this world?! without effort, it's definitely my fault. with effort, it's my over-effort fault. sigh. i have nothing to comment about. and just fell into the deep black hole of the universe.

everything shuts down. it's been 3 days now and still, blank. wanted to stand, but the sky is too high to reach. in total darkness. searching for exit in the darkness, alone. it's not like i'm super pessimistic. i knew i'm going to fall into black hole one day for any "honest" feedback. i also knew i will need some time to pass through the black hole. and i definitely have confidence that i will come back as a stronger me. i just don't like the feeling of drowning in the darkness. when can i re-bounce?

this is the society that we live in. the mine field with lots of mine trap. too bad i just stepped another major trap. and i trapped myself into the black hole. this second explosion seems harder to recover. sometimes do feel like i'm the only stupid naive girl walking in the mine field. why does everyone so "brilliant"? Some sets more mine trap in front waiting for me to step down. Some are just so smart  that they can fly over the traps. i like the challenge of this dirty world. i'm eager to explore more. But it's just not something i can deal with. seriously. it's too dirty that i couldn't fit myself in it. not even a single space for me after i pretended to be part of it.

in deep emotion now. the mental is so powerful that it can disable a person physically.

"too young to say such jokes"

"better be bored than saying 'wrong' things"

"what you say ain't what you mean"

"cover your real thought with sugar coating"

these words are haunting me now. these words stabbed through my heart, and i fell into black hole. and now i'm physically disabled. physically disabled to move on. the hole is so large that i can't get out of it within 3 days. go round and round, couldn't find any exit. thoughts are scary.

conclusion for now, stay boring. don't perform, even if you're dying to. don't talk unless i'm required to. curiosity kills you. stay within your small box. if that's what you're asking for, that's my next step. i'll function once receive command only. you'll loose the great naive heart from now on. it's locked and the key is thrown in the deep sea.

motivation

Motivation has to have it everyday, just like you need to bath everyday. 

Whenever feeling down or tired, motivation is the kick.

I'm feeling negative now. Where is my motivation kick? Please come to me.

The best of both world

Few years back there was Miley Cyrus's The Best of Both World dilemma. Now, I've got that dilemma as well.

Sigmund Freud always believes dream represent something in reality. I've got this same dream few times. It's an expansion of the story each time.

I stayed in the "reality" world, working hard for my aim. One day, there's this person that I worked with shared a secret passage to me. I believed him and passed through the secret passage. It was a "dream" world. I am smaller, lighter and with wings flying in that world. I was a little hesitate and uneasy to be in the "dream" world. That person gave me a key to enter the "dream" world whenever I like. I still live in the "reality" world working hard for my aim. Meanwhile, I am exploring what's the "dream" world about. I enjoy being light and could fly around with my little small pair of wings in "dream" world. At first, the traveling is fun. I enjoy being in the "reality" world because I am approaching my aim gradually. But the path is not fully controlled by myself. It involves a few more parties and factors. Well, I still feel good about it. On the other hand in the "dream" world, it is different kind of enjoyment. Although I am small, I feel great being light and free (can fly). Both world excites me in two different manner. I like both. This day, I've got a trouble in the "reality" world and I have to fly to the special person for help. Along the journey, I have to hide myself not to be exposed to potential danger. There are lots of limitation because I am small and have to hide. At last I found the special person. He agreed to follow me to solve the trouble. Too bad. I've lost him on the way back. And  this time, I'm awake.

I guess this is a signal from myself. I've started to feel I've been pulled between two worlds. Both world that I enjoyed. Struggles. Splitting myself to be in both worlds. I don't know what will happen next. As for now, I will still stick to both worlds. Greedy me right? Who cares. :P

realization

you will not truly understand if you did not experience before. truly understand now.