depression not?

didn't realize it was three years back since my last writing. and it was one of my major heart ache over my twenty plus year of life. still young perhaps? and now I'm returning with negative emotion. sorry my dear blog, you are the only place for my the negative expression.
I just don't know why. I suspect I could have stepping into the "danger" zone. I suspect I could have depression, like real ones. during uni days we used to play the "which psychological disorder you are" game. a small tiny sadness we'll claim depressed. according to DSM, depression is "something". it is a serious matter.
May or may not happen over night. can't get out of my mind about this low tide emotion. it has been disturbing my real life performance, I guess, and for a long period of time. wasn't motivated to get up, especially working days. yeah, I know everyone has this feeling too. but, I think I have stronger rejection over the recent months, or a year, or more, I guess. I started to don't care if I am late. I started to give myself lots of lots of excuses. and just take sick leaves just because not feeling to go to work. lying on bed struggling whether I should take sick leave or not. giving out more and more excuses and lies and to convince myself that's the reality. then, start hating myself for doing so. doubt, where is the true self gone? and pick on myself. hating myself. and days just past, and the cycle continues.
lost of motivation in life. no excitement feeling towards future. starting to loose eye contact with others. afraid to make long eye contact with others. avoid eye contacts. feeling alone in a group activity. people laugh, but I am lost track. dilemma of getting up to positivity, and falling down negatively. lost interest in food. pressure from work performance, weight management, financial status, shopping impulse, pretend to be likable, "begging" for other's approval on self, place heavily on other people's opinion, sensitive to other people's opinion about self, rebellious, feeling left out.
I guess those list are not kidding negative. am I really in trouble?
I don't believe heavily on drug prescriptions (i.e. psychiatrists). I don't want to see any of them, because I know what they will do is just prescriptions. that's what a "Doctor" trained to do. plus, I don't have resources to seek such treatments. no insurance company would cover mental illness. there's saying, illness is for the people with money. no money, just prepare a coffin.
I don't know if it's real case or just some temporary emotion thing. people's emotion has ups and downs. can't expect a stable neutral line in life. but negative vibes getting stronger. what else can I do to reverse? hmm...