emotion black hole

emotion has dropped down to black hole, again. got the same hit from the same person. the last hit was about a year ago. ironically, a year later, got the hit again. well, i asked for it. and well, better to get the "truth" than living in the lies.

always wanted sincere feedback. at times feedback may be really harsh, especially honest ones. yes i knew it. and i fell. fell into the black hole. i thought it suppose not to be that bad, but the outcome is not. the first fall, i was just being myself, the unskillful me. the second fall, i was trying to make things good. apparently seems like over trying. what's wrong with this world?! without effort, it's definitely my fault. with effort, it's my over-effort fault. sigh. i have nothing to comment about. and just fell into the deep black hole of the universe.

everything shuts down. it's been 3 days now and still, blank. wanted to stand, but the sky is too high to reach. in total darkness. searching for exit in the darkness, alone. it's not like i'm super pessimistic. i knew i'm going to fall into black hole one day for any "honest" feedback. i also knew i will need some time to pass through the black hole. and i definitely have confidence that i will come back as a stronger me. i just don't like the feeling of drowning in the darkness. when can i re-bounce?

this is the society that we live in. the mine field with lots of mine trap. too bad i just stepped another major trap. and i trapped myself into the black hole. this second explosion seems harder to recover. sometimes do feel like i'm the only stupid naive girl walking in the mine field. why does everyone so "brilliant"? Some sets more mine trap in front waiting for me to step down. Some are just so smart  that they can fly over the traps. i like the challenge of this dirty world. i'm eager to explore more. But it's just not something i can deal with. seriously. it's too dirty that i couldn't fit myself in it. not even a single space for me after i pretended to be part of it.

in deep emotion now. the mental is so powerful that it can disable a person physically.

"too young to say such jokes"

"better be bored than saying 'wrong' things"

"what you say ain't what you mean"

"cover your real thought with sugar coating"

these words are haunting me now. these words stabbed through my heart, and i fell into black hole. and now i'm physically disabled. physically disabled to move on. the hole is so large that i can't get out of it within 3 days. go round and round, couldn't find any exit. thoughts are scary.

conclusion for now, stay boring. don't perform, even if you're dying to. don't talk unless i'm required to. curiosity kills you. stay within your small box. if that's what you're asking for, that's my next step. i'll function once receive command only. you'll loose the great naive heart from now on. it's locked and the key is thrown in the deep sea.